Auditions

      Tomorrow, I have an audition.

      I hate auditioning.

     Even more so, there's a lot of pressure for me with this one.
     One: Because it's a show I've wanted to do for 22 years, and hardly ever gets done (and I'm not getting any younger), and Two: I'm auditioning for someone I went to college with 20 years ago - who is now the head of a theatre company.

     I've been on and off of the stage for about 25 years, and nowhere near as successful as some of the other people I attended college with - Not to mention, I dropped out after only one semester.
     Because I went to a Performing Arts High School, I figured I didn't need anymore training, and decided to take my chances in New York City. I was a bit of a snob. I thought I knew everything.   
     Turned out, I didn't know shit.

     There was a reason I never got work in the first year I was pounding the pavement for a career.

     When I first moved to the city, I went on as many auditions as I could. I had my song, and a back up monologue in case anyone asked for it.
     In the audition notice, they would ask for us to sing 16 bars of "Broadway Legit" - So, I would go in with "Extraordinary" from Pippin. It took me awhile to realise that "Broadway Legit" meant Rogers and Hammerstein or Lerner & Loewe, whereas, I just thought it meant "any showtune that sounds like a showtune". Because this was stuff they didn't teach me in my Performing Arts High School.

     I showed up to an audition for a show about Anne Frank and sang "Waiting For the Light to Shine" from "Big River".
     When I left, a friend, who had overheard me, told me I had a lot of "soul" in my voice. I took that as a compliment - but looking back, I think she was trying to tell me I chose the wrong material for the type of show I was auditioning for.

     I went to an audition for a touring production of Gypsy, and after singing "Extraordinary", the Casting Director looked at my resume'.
     "Oh, you went to Dillard School of the Arts in Florida?" He asked me.
     "Yes, I did", I replied with a smile.
     "I went there. It wasn't that great of a school."
     I guess this was his way of telling me I wouldn't be getting a Callback.

     Over the years, I took my lack of training, and used my life experience to bring forth in my acting. I also realised I'm not as good as I once thought I was, but I'm better now than I was at the time.
     And I still suck at auditions.

     The first role I actually got in NYC was as a gay florist. The show had run for years at the Duplex on Christopher Street, and after my audition, the Stage Manager told me the Director was so impressed with the way I read for it, and they hired me on the spot.
     With only two rehearsals, I went up two weeks later.
     After the first performance, a cocktail waiter came up to me and said "I have seen this show SO many times, and you did something so different with the character. You made it fresh! - It was great!!"

     The thing is, I never let the compliments get to my head.
     And I'm still nervous when I audition....sometimes, even terrified.
     There have been many times I let my fear stop me from going to an audition, because I am my own worst enemy, and the one responsible for holding me back.
     I need a kick in the ass sometimes, and luckily I have a very supportive group of friends who aren't afraid to kick it as hard as they can.
     And once I'm at the audition, I climb aboard that train and ride it full speed until it's over...and then I can breathe again.

     Tomorrow is a big day for me, and all I can do is hope for the best, while my head screams "Fuck! Let's Hurry up and Get this over with!!"  in the process.
     I guess this is why I like being a Director - not having to deal with this kind of pressure.
     I sometimes wish I was one of those people that was so talented, I was asked to do a show instead of having to audition...but sometimes, we really have to put in the work in order to get somewhere.
     And maybe it's better that way, because if I was one of those people, it would probably get to my head...and I know too many of those kinds of people that I would never want to get to that point.

     Auditioning keeps me humble....and scared....although sometimes, I'd rather my fear be in the form of running through the woods being chased by a maniac.